CG's I'm Killing my Baby Again Angst Parody 2
by Rocky and CG
Summary: My friend CG decided to take another stab at angst fics and wrote this hilarious (if not VERY disturbing) fic. Please be warned the urge to bang your head repeatly against the screen is a normal reaction to reading this fanfic. Z/A, G/L


This fic needs some sort of warning on it. It's not lemon but boy it's weird. But then again, most angst fics are.   
  
  
  
Slayers Parody Angst Fic II: I'm Killing My Baby Again  
  
  
Lina and Gourry walk along the path in early afternoon after having lunch to Zefilia City after attending Four Funerals and a Wedding. It all started a week ago when Zel, Amelia and themselves were desperately searching for the cure for their dear faithful and loving friend Zelgadis. They found it. It was quite simple really. Zelgadis was the happiest man alive.   
  
~ Flashback  
  
The sun was setting near Saillune that day as Zelgadis transforms from a freak back into the man he was so long ago. For several minutes his companions watch in awe as bright, colorful light dance around the hovering Zel as he shed his stone body. When he was brought back to the ground and the lights fade, he was human again. All his friends were so happy for him and went up to him and hugged him. Blushing Amelia held on the longest.  
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, I don't want to let go.   
  
Zelgadis put his hand on her cheek.   
  
Zelgadis: Finally the curse is broken! I waited and waited for this day to come. Amelia my Goddess, it was you who kept me going by telling me I should never give up. I love you and want you to marry me!   
  
Amelia: Oh Mr. Zelgadis! My Prince! Yes! I'll marry you now that you aren't a horrible freak that'll get criticized by the rest of the Saillune higher-ups because they cannot look on the inside to see that you are a wonderful, wonderful man!  
  
They kiss long and passionately. Lina and Gourry watch them and decided to do the same to each other. Zelgadis hugs Amelia then runs to the edge of a cliff hanging over Saillune and yells.   
  
Zelgadis: SHE SAID "YES"!!!!!!!! MY NAME IS ZELGADIS AND I LOVE YOUR PRINCESS AMELIA AND WE ARE GOING TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!!!  
  
SPLAT  
  
Zelgadis was struck by a good-sized meteor. He would have survived with his chimera body, but his human body was squashed like Jell-O. Amelia burst into tears as she lies against the huge rock that crushed her beloved.   
  
Amelia: Oh Mr. Zelgadis! Why did you leave me? I cannot live without you! I am loyal to you and cannot love anyone else! The only thing I can do is to join you in heaven! Because without you, there is nothing to live for!   
  
She pulls out a bottle of poison from behind her back (very convenient for angst) and drinks it. As she does, from out of nowhere Xellos and Valgaav appear.  
  
Val: ::growls:: What are you doing here?  
  
Xellos: I'm here to console the grieving Princess Amelia, of course!  
  
Val: "Console", my ass! Only I know what it is like to have lost a loved one!   
  
Xellos and Val, who came out of nowhere for no reason, prepare to fight to the death for Amelia (whom I have no idea why they would fight for). Val charges up as Xellos started his spike attack. Amelia, to her horror, realizes the poison didn't work.   
  
Amelia: Oh, cruel fate!   
  
She climbs the nearest tree as the upset Lina and Gourry watch like deers in headlights. Xellos and Val shot critical blows at each other with direct hits. Val screams in agony while Xellos just screams. Val fall to the ground dead and Xellos' body is ripped and tore. Then he disappears forever leaving only his staff that pieced Val through the heart. Filia cries over her dead lovers (when and how she got in this fic, I don't know).   
  
Filia: OH WHY!! WHY?!?!?!?! I LOVED YOU BOTH!!!! I AM NOTHING BUT A SHELFISH WHORE!!!!!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I cannot live, I must…  
  
Amelia: HEY, THAT'S MY ROUTINE IN THIS FIC!!!!!!!!!  
  
Filia: Can I just cry and sob over the dead bodies?   
  
Amelia: Sure.   
  
Filia overacts as Amelia says a prayer. Amelia jumps off the tree and lands on her head. But alas, only a huge bump and a headache occurres. She sighs.   
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, this isn't working. Maybe I'll just become a nun and save myself for you in hea…   
  
She tripps over Val's dead body and impales herself on his horn. Filia only cries louder. Lina and Gourry are devastate they couldn't do anything to prevent this.   
  
Lina: Gourry, we have to bring Amelia's body back to her castle.   
  
Gourry: What about Zel?   
  
Lina: Errr… We'll leave him under the rock.   
  
Lina carves Zel's name into the rock where he was crushed. Gourry moves Amelia off Val and starts digging a hole. Lina then write Xellos' name into a tree branch because he liked sitting on them. After Val was buried, Lina, Filia, and Gourry had a private funeral for all three. Well, Jiras was there for some reason but it was pretty private.   
  
Gourry wrapped Amelia's body in sheets as they made their long journey to Saillune. When they got there, they told the grieving Phil that she died while fighting evil and upholding justice. (Hey it's better than telling her father, "She had no more willpower left after her lover died and after failed suicide attempts, she tripped and impaled herself.") There was a grand funeral and thousands mourned the loss of their Princess. After the funeral, Lina and Gourry knew exactly what to do to respect and honor their deceased friends.   
  
A day later, they got married because their plan would have taken too long.   
  
~ End flashback  
  
Now Lina and Gourry are heading to Zefilia City to meet Lina's parents. They are too busy thinking about their honeymoon (and their dead friends) to realize they are being watched. The early afternoon suddenly turns into nighttime as a dark hooded figure with his gang of bandits watch them go by.   
  
Evil Guy in a Hood (EGH): There they are!   
  
Bandit 1: Just two of them? That's it?  
  
EGH: Don't be fooled! They are known as the "Demon Slayers" and they defeated Dark Lords! And for some strange reason I must add that the strong, talented blond is very hot and sexy with his silky long hair glimmers in the moonlight. But any case, you will get the rest of your money once you defeat them. I want the girl ALIVE but you can do whatever you want to the hot stud!   
  
The bandits nod and go off to ambush the duo.   
  
Duo: Don't ambush me, I'm cute!   
  
No, no! What I said was… Hey! What the hell are you in this fic?  
  
Duo: I should be asking you why the hell aren't I!   
  
Because this is Slayers! Oh Nevermind, I'll deal with you later!   
  
::shoves Duo in the closet::  
  
Continuing where we left off, Lina and Gourry walk though the heavily wooded… uhhhh… woods. They stop as they hear rustling from the bushes.   
  
Lina: What was that?  
  
Gourry: I do believe that it is about six bandits that are ambushing us for someone's diabolical plan.   
  
Lina: Oh Gourry, how do you know?  
  
Gourry: Because I are smart.   
  
As predicted, six heavily armed bandits jump out of their hiding places. Each of the men was big experienced rouge and/or mercenary. They were all gray and probably in their late 60s/early 70s because no fighter can be hotter or better than the main(or still living) hot guy.   
  
Bandit 2: We're here for the girl!   
  
Gourry: Are you supposed to go with them?   
  
Lina: NO, I'M NOT!!!!!!!   
  
Gourry: Alright, then Lina isn't going!  
  
Bandit 5: Then we'll take her!!!   
  
Gourry whips out his sword, the Blast Blade™, and battles the mob. One of the bandits decides to stand by Lina, he hasn't caught her or anything and she's totally free to kick his ass, but she is too busy picking apples from the tree to do anything. Gourry aggressively fights the bandits, and they are pretty good too considering they're 70 years old. It takes 2 and a half hours to defeat five of the six old bandits, but Gourry is ready for the last one.   
  
Gourry: Don't worry, I'll save you!   
  
The bandit and Lina look up from their tea party to see Gourry advancing.   
  
Bandit 6: Well, this was fun but excuse me.   
  
Lina: No problem.   
  
The bandit raises his axe but the shadow behind the tree comes out.  
  
Gourry: Who are you?   
  
EGH: So we meet again, Gourry Gabriev. It's been a while hasn't it?   
  
Gourry tilts his head.   
  
EGH: But this time, Lina will be mine!   
  
Gourry: No she won't! I'm her protector and she's mine!   
  
Lina: I'm weak-minded and have no self-esteem so I will go with whoever wins this battle.   
  
Gourry: Don't worry Lina! Let your tired brain rest!   
  
EGH: Fool! I hope you realize, the first time we met I was putting on an act.   
  
Gourry: Huh? You are that guy that hung around with the idiot with the stupid hat, right?   
  
The Evil Guy in a Hood throws off his disguise. And holds up his double-edged bastard sword.   
  
Hallas: Hello, Gourry.   
  
Gourry: Who are you again?  
  
Hallas facevaults.   
  
Hallas: I don't care if you remember me! WE FIGHT NOW!!!!!!  
  
Gourry: Oh you ARE the guy in the stupid hat!   
  
The evil guy was right because for some reason, he was EXTREMELY good at using bastard swords. Their battle to the death was intense. Gourry and Hallas breathe heavily as sweat rolls down their faces. Gourry takes off his shirt to reveal his hot, sweaty muscles and big pecs as he moves like a fox to avoid Hallas' blade. The night turned into day and they were still going strong.   
  
Lina: How DARE they not fight hard enough for me! I had enough of watching these two young boys fight over me.   
  
She turns to the bandit.   
  
Lina: Hit me in the back of the head with your axe handle. That'll teach my true love to fight harder for cute, "innocent", but selfish me!   
  
The bandit shrugs and does what she said because he just wants to be out of this fic. Lina screams out then falls unconsciously to the ground.   
  
Gourry:  
LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Gourry rages and chops the bandit into little pieces as Hallas throws up in the bushes. Gourry then holds Lina and sobs.   
  
Gourry: Oh why?!?!?! I am a terrible protector! How did I allow such a fragile angel to be hurt like this? Hell is too good for me! I don't deserve to live!!! I wish I could go back in time to prevent this from ever occurring! Maybe I could build a time machine and achieve this and I should try because I am a worthless protector! If only I had the knowledge to do so. And I would need money, lots of money! Where am I going to get money? I'll sell my sword! But wait, Lina worked so hard so I would have this sword and she'll be heartbroken if I sold it! WHY AM I SO SELFISH?!?!?!??!? I AM A FAILURE!!!!!!! Oh Lina my love, I will never leave your side again! If I ever do I will kill myself in horrible painful ways! Using rusty nails or something. It will be painful but I deserve it because I am slime. I WILL ALWAYS… AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Either Gourry screams in agony because of his failure or because Hallas just stabbed him in the side with his sword. Hallas then impales himself so he would not have to listen to one more minute of Gourry's angst speech.   
  
Gourry: Ack! Lina!   
  
Gourry: ::clutching his side as blood glides down his leg:: I must get Lina to a safe place! I… must get Lina to her house!   
  
Gourry stumbles but manages to lift Lina up.  
  
Gourry: I will take you home!   
  
Leaving a trail of blood behind him, he is able to carry Lina all the way to Zefilia city. Gourry is very determined to get her there that he never hears all the screaming by passerbies that what he really needs is medical attention. He struggles but makes it up the steps to Lina's house as he knocks on the door.   
  
Gourry: Well here goes.   
  
A couple opens the door and stares at the bloody sight.   
  
Gourry: I brought your daughter home, Mr. and Mrs. Inverse.   
  
They are at each other and back at him.   
  
Man: Oh, the Inverse house is across the street.   
  
Gourry: Really? Well, sorry for the trouble.   
  
Man: Ummm… You're bleeding real badly so maybe you should see a doctor.   
  
Gourry: No, I'm fine.   
  
The couple shake their heads and sweatdrop as Gourry nearly falls off their porch. He heads over to Lina's real house and knocks on the door. Lina's older sister, Luna, answers it. She was not expecting a guy that was heavily bleeding knocking at the door, holding her little sister.   
  
Gourry: I brought Lina home.   
  
Luna: Oh thanks. Just a second.   
  
Luna shuts the door for a moment and comes back with a blanket so she won't get blood on her work clothes. She takes Lina.   
  
Gourry: I believe she'll be ok, I can feel it. WOW!!! I can't believe you are Lina's sister! You have a chest!   
  
Luna just stares at him. She would have kicked him across town but he was badly hurt and she would get blood on her shoes. She shuts the door on him and takes Lina upstairs to her room. Luna then throws her sister on the bed.   
  
Luna: I wonder…  
  
She goes back downstairs and opens the door and Gourry is on his knees clutching his side.   
  
Luna: Uhhhh… Do you want me to get you a healer or something?   
  
Gourry: I'm fine!   
  
Luna: ::pause:: Riiiiiiight. Stay here.   
  
Luna goes into the kitchen and grabs some plastic and a very old and tattered blanket and lay them down on the floor.   
  
Luna: You can stay on this until we can find you someone.   
  
Gourry protests but collapses on the plastic. Luna's mom comes in the room with Luna and look at Gourry.   
  
Luna: I think this is a friend of Lina's.   
  
Mom: I think I should go before the whole floor is blood.   
  
Luna: Good idea, I'll watch him.   
  
As mom leaves, dad comes back from work. Dad recognizes Gourry from when they met before. And he quickly notices Gourry does not have the Sword of Light with him. A lightbulb turns on above the dad's head, meaning that Gourry must have chucked his sword into a lake! He just has to find out which one!   
  
Dad: Gourry, is it?   
  
Luna: You know him?   
  
Dad: Gourry, before you go unconscious, I must know which lake or river did you throw it into.   
  
Luna: Huh?  
  
Gourry: ::groan::   
  
Dad: Which river?   
  
Gourry: Ki-osk?   
  
Dad gets up and then runs to his maps.   
  
Dad: Ok, step one is over. Now I need to find the river and get it!   
  
He rushes out the door before Luna can ask what was going on.   
  
Luna: What is with him?   
  
She looks at Gourry, whom is still gushing blood.   
  
Luna: Gourry, I think you're going to die.   
  
Gourry: Really? I was starting to feel better.   
  
Luna: No, you're dying and there is no help for you.   
  
Gourry: Dang, and I was starting to see in focus again. Can I at least see Lina for one last time?   
  
Luna: Well, I guess so. I'll make her clean up the mess.   
  
So Luna leads Gourry upstairs to Lina's room, leaving a trail of blood behind him. Lina, playing Gameboy Advance, hears them coming so she quickly hides the game and pretends she's sleeping. Gourry slowly enters the room and looks at his frail goddess sleeping. He kneels by her and weeps. And weeps. And weeps. Luna times him on her watch. And weeps. And weeps. And weeps. Lina, losing patience, decides that Gourry hasbeen punished enough and "wakes up".   
  
Lina: ::weakly as she can:: Gourry!   
  
Gourry stops and lightens up (to everyone's relief).  
  
Gourry: Lina! Are you OK?  
  
Lina: Yes, I'm fine.   
  
Lina looks at Gourry's leaking side and realizes that her stunt got him hurt and that she was nothing but a manipulative bitch.   
  
Lina: Oh Gourry! I'm so sorry! It's all my fault, you are dying! I shouldn't have had myself get hurt just to teach you a lesson! Don't die!!! ::weeps::   
  
Gourry: I feel better! Really!   
  
Lina and Luna: YOU'RE DYING!!!  
  
Gourry: Drat.   
  
Lina: I cannot live without you!  
  
Gourry: Don't kill yourself over me. I want you to live the rest of your life.   
  
Lina: Gourry, I will always be loyal to you! ::sobs:: I will never love again!  
  
Gourry: But I don't want you to be lonely for the rest of your life. I want you to find someone else.   
  
Lina: I will always keep you in my heart and my memory and I will take care of our unborn child.   
  
Gourry: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN???   
  
Lina: I will keep a lock of your hair so I can try to clone you because I cannot live without you!   
  
Gourry: You are reminding me of somebody and it scares me.   
  
Lina: Gourry, KISS ME!!!!!!!   
  
Lina grabs him to her and they kiss. And kiss. And kiss. Luna times this too. And kiss. And kiss. And kiss. Lina finally lets him go.   
  
Lina: Oh Gourry! If you have the strength, I want to express our love by having wild kinky hot loving sex so I can miss you more when you're gone!   
  
But sadly, Gourry was already dead. He died by suffocation. Lina weeps.   
  
Lina: Oh, I cannot live! I'm going to hang myself!   
  
Luna: But Gourry didn't want you to kill yourself. He would be saddened if you did.   
  
Lina: Oh yes. I am a very bad person!!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!   
  
Lina then gets out of bed.   
  
Lina: He's right. I should live my life to the fullest!   
  
Lina runs out the door.   
  
Luna: Where are you going?   
  
Lina: I have to go travel the world and do what Gourry wants me to do! He wants me to… EKKKKKKK!!!!  
  
Lina slips on Gourry's blood on the stairs falls and snaps her neck. Luna stares down at her dead sister.   
  
Luna: Great, now I have to clean up the mess! ::pauses:: Wait, I can just get Spot to do it. Spot, I love you  
  
The End 


End file.
